Parenting Sons

Everyday, immediately after I send off the children to school, I ask for a cup of hot native chocolate (tsokolate e)--there you have it, my guilty pleasure; I have coffee sometimes when conscience strikes--and the newspaper. Today, I came across the column of Mrs. Preciosa Soliven on parenting and I laud the nuggets of insight that is sprinkled throughout the piece. FYI most of it is lifted out of the book by Michael Gurian: The Wonder of Boys. If you have a son it would be wise to secure a copy.

I enumerate the points, which I think are informative and helpful:

*During puberty, between 10 to 12 years old, when the boy starts to resist mother's hugs and cuddles, it is time for father to keep him company and coach him in active sports competition as well as teach him the facts of life. He must be allowed to separate from the mother and transition into the company of the father so he can develop his own identity from a secure base.

*The love that a mother and son have for each other must change as the boy becomes a man. The mother must let him go into the world of men. She should not only do this for her son but also for herself. If she cannot let go, she will not make her own passage into the next stage of her life.

*The root cause of delinquency is the lack of older male mentors. This one really struck me. It makes perfect sense. It doesn't only mean that only fatherless sons turn deviant but those who may have fathers but have a "disconnect" from them--those who have cold and troubled relationships.

*The essential lesson that a son must learn from his father is how to be a good worker, as well as to be an organized and cooperative member or leader of a team.

*Single mothers or those who are married to husbands who do not meet their needs or expectations turn to sons to find self-value: the son becomes the surrogate male companion; developing an emotional structure--a false self--that mother seems to need. This is tragic! It is the greatest harm a mother can do to a son.

*For menopausal women who experience decrease in levels of the hormone progesterone: progesterone is known as the bonding hormone. It predisposes the brain to provide the body with a readiness for intimacy with spouse and children. So it is not a wonder why perimenopausal and menopausal women often prefer to be by themselves or experience a strong need to be alone. Progesterone deficiency is the culprit.