Separation Anxiety

Letting children go never gets easier. Today, I sent Bidi off on a class trip to Chiang Mai, Thailand for five days. I've sent Maverick and Kitty off to University and Belli had gone off on this same class trip two years ago, so you would think that this would be a breeze, right? Not!

First off, the packing was no small feat. We had to complete a list and I had to secure a corded flashlight, which he could hang on his neck to go potty at night in the mountains, where they have scheduled a visit with an indigenous tribe, and where there is no electricity. I had to get bug spray, sun block, river sandals for white water rafting, and grown-up pajamas. He REFUSED to take his cartoon-printed pajamas, his favorites--SHHH!--which are so comfy. Their packing list also specified: sarong. So, I sent him my navy blue sarong. But he almost had a coronary when he saw it. "What the heck?" he screamed at me. "But the list said, sarong." I reasoned out. "I don't care what the friggin list said, you can't make me bring that sarong!" "What's the matter? Did you want it in another color?" "Mom!!!" Okay, so the sarong stayed behind.

Off we were to school this morning all locked and loaded. I had to do the hugging and kissing while we were in the car because there already exists an unwritten rule that he has gotten too big for PDA. Right before he boarded the bus that would take them to the airport, we just gave each other a high five--the final touch that must carry me through five days of a son-less existence. How much more dramatic can I get, really?

I was melancholy on the ride home but it hadn't even been 10 minutes when my cell phone beeped. It was him and the text message read: "Goodbye!" This one word has never been as meaningful as it was today.

Belli just got home exactly two seconds ago, as I post this, and shouted out that Bidi, who is two years younger than her, just sent her a text message that said: "I love you.

There is one thing I am most certain of: he will have the time of his life. And me? Well, I'll live.







Moms in conference with teacher, entrusting her with their most precious creations


Pretty Moms in a row. Boy, will their sons have a hard time finding partners who will trump their beauty. Real tall order!


Bidi with BFF, Tino

Fathering Children

I have been reading up on parenting ever since I became one--25 years ago with Maverick; I probably have gone through hundreds of thousands of pages by now. Occasionally, a specific writer grabs my focus either because of his take on the whole subject or his innovative slant or angle that makes the subject more interesting, but very seldom am I arrested by the wisdom of a piece, after all, what hasn't been said about parenting?

Recently, I came across this piece by Ron Leadbetter, father and journalist. Bells rang in my mind as I read on. I hung on to every word and every insight, because everything resonated. He said:

"As I understand daddies, they are playful and willing to take time with children. They actually enjoy being with their sons and daughters, creating new games, watching the stars, sharing their understanding informally, and thus teaching in the best way possible. The teaching aspect of daddies may lapse into the formal instruction of fathers, but I want to emphasize how much men impart to their children in play that is truly teaching about how to be joyful and engaged with the world..."

"But most of all, a father needs to be protector. That is a role most wanted by children, I think--and the one most often NOT fulfilled. Children want to know that home is a safe place where someone will make sure bad things don't happen. They want to know that someone will always be there to stand between them and danger. Of course it is not possible to protect children from everything that comes into the home or goes on outside in the world. But we still want a protective father, rather than a competitor or abuser."

I wonder how many fathers know this?

Leadbetter went on to say that a daughter who grows up feeling unsafe and insecure because of the absence of a father/protector figure will go on in life engaging with similarly dysfunctional men because she may not know any better. Her childhood male role model was flawed and so this is the type she gravitates toward. This is her concept of an "ideal" man. And so her journey of filling that void veers farther and farther away from its destination.

We should all do something about this so our children grow up whole.

Parenting Sons

Everyday, immediately after I send off the children to school, I ask for a cup of hot native chocolate (tsokolate e)--there you have it, my guilty pleasure; I have coffee sometimes when conscience strikes--and the newspaper. Today, I came across the column of Mrs. Preciosa Soliven on parenting and I laud the nuggets of insight that is sprinkled throughout the piece. FYI most of it is lifted out of the book by Michael Gurian: The Wonder of Boys. If you have a son it would be wise to secure a copy.

I enumerate the points, which I think are informative and helpful:

*During puberty, between 10 to 12 years old, when the boy starts to resist mother's hugs and cuddles, it is time for father to keep him company and coach him in active sports competition as well as teach him the facts of life. He must be allowed to separate from the mother and transition into the company of the father so he can develop his own identity from a secure base.

*The love that a mother and son have for each other must change as the boy becomes a man. The mother must let him go into the world of men. She should not only do this for her son but also for herself. If she cannot let go, she will not make her own passage into the next stage of her life.

*The root cause of delinquency is the lack of older male mentors. This one really struck me. It makes perfect sense. It doesn't only mean that only fatherless sons turn deviant but those who may have fathers but have a "disconnect" from them--those who have cold and troubled relationships.

*The essential lesson that a son must learn from his father is how to be a good worker, as well as to be an organized and cooperative member or leader of a team.

*Single mothers or those who are married to husbands who do not meet their needs or expectations turn to sons to find self-value: the son becomes the surrogate male companion; developing an emotional structure--a false self--that mother seems to need. This is tragic! It is the greatest harm a mother can do to a son.

*For menopausal women who experience decrease in levels of the hormone progesterone: progesterone is known as the bonding hormone. It predisposes the brain to provide the body with a readiness for intimacy with spouse and children. So it is not a wonder why perimenopausal and menopausal women often prefer to be by themselves or experience a strong need to be alone. Progesterone deficiency is the culprit.