End of the Road

Relationships die, we know that, but it still comes as a shock each time we hear of it, especially when it involves people close to us. This year, two of our friends closed the doors on their respective marriages. When I heard the news, my knees turned to jelly and I had to prop myself against a table until I found a proper seat. We had known that something was not quite right in both relationships (don't we all have that in varying degrees) but it was never articulated.

What happens when a marriage actually ends? Not much, really. The full force of the hurricane would have ended by then. It is the months leading up to that final demise that plays host to, probably, the most turbulent times in one's life. The fighting, the tug-of-war, the mud-slinging, the torment, the plotting and scheming, the vengeance, and every dirty trick known in interpersonal dealings come into play, until one day, when finally, one or both parties realize that the damage has become irretrievable. This is a profoundly sad realization but that which brings with it a skewed kind of peace, a quiet one. It might be similar to the relief one might experience at the end of a war, or at the death of a loved one who had a long, drawn-out battle with a terminal illness. But then the process ends--that's the relief.

And yet the aftermath is never easy.

I asked my go-to-person, psychologist, Sophie Bate some questions. Incidentally, Sophie is one of the most insightful, most nurturing, most trustworthy people I have ever met (she holds counseling sessions). I have met a number of psychologists and psychiatrists and Sophie is someone who is really attuned to the human condition. Few have made as much of an impression on me and so I seek out her opinions from time to time. Anyway, I asked her if there are merits in staying in a troubled marriage for "sake of the children" (pardon the cliche). She said sometimes, it's best for marriages to break up because the children learn to live with the "unreal" and that they carry this woundedness into their adult lives. Transparency is still ideal; it teaches children clear concepts of boundaries in what is and is not acceptable, what is and is not tolerable or respectable behavior, which ultimately, is tied up to their sense of self worth.

I asked her again how one is to know exactly when to walk out of a dysfunctional relationship. and she said, "One will know. He/she will move; his/her heart will move, and from that point on, there will be no comebacks. No matter what his/her partner does, it would have been the end of the road already. And that partner would have been a fool for not having seen it coming."

Sad...

What of the kids...Raising children is already universally difficult. Imagine having to do that in a hostile environment of warring spouses. Often I ask myself why I persist with this blog about mid-life and motherhood when I'm not on any inside track, when I have no earth-shattering insights, and no mind-boggling revelations. I coast along just like the rest of us.

If you do find yourself in this situation, please get a darned good lawyer.

A Professional's Take on Infidelity

I found this article on the internet and since an earlier post in infidelity struck the curiosity of many readers, I thought of posting this one, which is from a professional, whose knowledge on the subject may be more enlightening than anything else we may have heard.


Dating Myth or Truth? Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater
Expert advice on surviving the aftermath of an affair
By Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.
Special to Yahoo! Personals
Updated: Jul 23, 2008

So you've been cheated on. It's devastating -- like being kicked in the gut and thrown into the gutter. You can't eat or function at work. Or maybe you're up all night watching old movies, bawling, and eating pints of Ben and Jerry's. Discovering your partner's affair gives you such heartache and pain that you doubt you'll ever recover.

But when the cheater tries hard to win you back, some questions loom large: Should you forgive him/her? Is this cheater going to cheat again? You may feel torn; perhaps wanting to take your remorseful partner back, but you feel like it's a point of pride not to. You may want to drop the cheater altogether, dive into an online personals pool, and start looking for a more loyal significant other.

No doubt about it, it's difficult to deal with a cheater, and you're not alone. Research shows that even among married couples, cheating is relatively common: about 22% of men and 13% of women cheat. According to recent studies, even spouses who describe themselves as "happy" with their marriage have affairs.

But the good news is this:

Some couples who share strong chemistry can actually work through the crisis of an affair.
Some couples who share strong chemistry can actually work through the crisis of an affair. Not only that, they can become closer and put an end to cheating once and for all. In some cases, couples can learn and grow from the painful emotional hurricane, otherwise known as the aftermath of an affair.

Of course, there are promiscuous players who will cheat and cheat and cheat again. These are the ones you truly have to stay away from. How do you tell if you're dealing with a chronic cheater?

Here are five signs that may indicate a former cheater is not a chronic case and that the relationship still has hope:

1. Your partner is truly remorseful and regrets having cheated. Look for heartfelt apologies that ring true when you hear them. He/she accepts total blame for his/her betrayal.

2. Your partner cuts off all contact with the relationship perpetrator.

3. He/she shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you.

4. You wind up having deep, open, and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, including what was missing in it and how you'd like it to progress.

5. Your partner wants psychotherapy or counseling either individually or with you to understand his/her own dynamics and to improve your relationship.

If the former cheater shows these signs and you can forgive him/her, consider taking your partner back. Yet, be aware that taking your partner back carries one caveat: There's a possibility your partner will slip back into infidelity.

And just how do you know if the cheating has resurfaced? Here are some common signs that may indicate secret betrayal:

He/she works late a lot.
He/she suddenly takes trips you aren't invited to go on.
He/she spends too much time with hobbies that don't include you.
You get mysterious phone calls with hang-ups.
You find bills for unexplained hotel stays or gift-type items.
Intimacy in your relationship dramatically decreases.
He/she grows more distant or agitated than usual.

Prepare yourself emotionally for the chance that you may become a victim of an affair again, but don't expect it. You've chosen to forgive your partner, so let bygones be bygones. But if you uncover another affair, it's time to protect yourself from any further heartbreak by breaking up with this hurtful person immediately. Move on and don't let this unfaithful person ruin your future relationships. Leave your anger and sorrow behind; it's not only fair to your next partner, but beneficial to your psychological well-being and your potential to bond with a better partner. Keep your spirits high, because there are wonderful new matches waiting out there -- and right there on your computer screen!

In sum, if your partner strays, it doesn't absolutely mean he/she will do it again. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't necessarily true. Forgiving and reuniting is an option. If you've been betrayed but want to see if it can work, go ahead and work on it. Just keep in mind that you've decided to take a risk, and don't let paranoia get the best of you. But at the same time, pay attention to your partner's behavior so you can spot which way the train is heading!

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., is the author of the forthcoming book "Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love." She is a recurring relationship expert on "The Today Show" and her free love etips are available at www.MyDatingPatterns.com.

Questions We Wished We Asked Before We Got Married

I came across this article in the New York Times a while back and kept it tucked away under a mound of papers, which I put aside for uneventful days such as today. I remember telling myself that I would show it to my twenty-something girls for future reference and I'm glad to share it with you now.

Questions couples should ask (or wish they had) before marrying:

1. Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
2. Do we have a clear idea of each other's financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and savings mesh?
3. Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
4. Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
5. Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
6. Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
7. Will there be a television in the bedroom?
8. Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another's ideas and complaints?
9. Have we reached a clear understanding of each other's spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
10. Do we like and respect each other's friends?
11. Do we value and respect each other's parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
12. What does my family do that annoys you?
13. Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
14. If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other's family, are we prepared to move?
15. Does each of us feel fully confident in the other's commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Can you imagine how much easier life would have been had all married couples since the Genesis gotten a hold of this?

Fighting Fair

Is there really such a thing as a fair fight? Isn’t the objective of fighting gaining ascendancy over someone else? I think there is; in relationships at least, where the motive isn’t to annihilate the other but to settle issues and differences. Unless, of course, that, is precisely the point—to destroy and ravage the other and eventually break up, in which case, go ahead and unleash your weapons of mass destruction.

I’m talking more of non-violent domestic disputes between two parties in a relationship, which is an everyday thing for most of us. I’ve heard many couples brag about how ideal their relationships are because they never, ever, fight to which Relationship Expert, Lawrence Mitchell, says, “Give me a break. You never, ever fight? Well, do you ever have sex? Because other than sex, no act is more natural.”

Fighting may be unpleasant. The alternative, however—to suppress personal expression until one is blue in the face—could actually be unhealthy. When done right, a fight can be productive and even helpful in a relationship. I think the true measure of a relationship is how you fight. Not whether you fight, but how you fight.

Mitchell adds, “It is with shame that I make a most painful admission: men are inferior when it comes to conflict resolution. We are. Admit it. Whether in an argument, a mild disagreement, or a fight, we need a lesson on how to make it work with our significant other.” Mitchell says that the problem with men is that they see life in terms of competition because of their logical nature. He says, “We process in such a rational, logical fashion that we tend to alienate our partner. Sure, we make our point and may even ‘win’ the argument. But what do we gain in the long run?” He explains further that men feel the compulsion to triumph over their partner with every possible argument. He cautions men with, “Relationship conflict is not a contact sport. There is no real victor in the end. As soon as that is clear, you can begin to fight the right way.”

I partly disagree with Mitchell because I believe that women can be more cunning than men in the face-off arena. True, men can be more methodical, more logical in argumentation, which is precisely the problem because women fight from a different perspective—that of emotions. Whenever a specific issue is brought out on the bargaining table, men tend to attack it as they would a logistical problem; women address it in terms of how it affects them emotionally. Women use tears, engage the services of allies to spy on the beloved—what he has to stay, what he’s up to; snoop inside their drawers, check on their emails and cell phones; and go through their wallets, which often earn them a deadlock, at the very least.

So we’re basically talking apples and oranges here, which means that no matter how long couples take in threshing out their dirty laundry , they probably won’t arrive at a resolution without some collateral damage. Often times, it is sheer frustration over the spin cycle-like movement of arguments that provoke couples to draw out their weapons: blame; character assassination; swear words; dramatic walk-outs; or the most desperate of all battle strategies—violence.

My nephew, Michael Plotteck, a German Korean raised in London, tells of how puzzling it is that Filipinas always raise their voices when they argue. “They can’t really discuss things in a normal tone of voice; they feel the need to shout at all times. I wonder why that is?” What a keen observation that was, I thought. We are, indeed, a bunch of shouting, angry females. So I said to him that it is most likely cultural, that if you tell a Filipina to keep her voice down when she is angry and then proceed to fight fairly, she will keel over and die. Without that raised voice she is incapable of putting up a good fight; normal decibel levels is her kryptonite. Just look at our local movies, TV drama shows, and telenovelas. Every angry woman has got to shout.

We can never be minimalist in this culture. We are truly Baroque; favoring the excessive and the dramatic in every aspect of our culture: in our fiestas and festivals; costumes; dances; décor; crafts such as wood carvings, weavings, embroidery, paper art; food and food presentation; etc—everything is flamboyant, colorful and over-the-top. Not that they are not exquisite or beautiful; they are, on the contrary, just not in that Japanese Zen, minimalist, elegance-in-simplicity kind of way. So even when we fight, we need all the attendant drama—the shouting, the tears, and the grand arm gestures.

Tara Parker Pope in an article at the New York Times Science Section writes, “How often couples fight or what they fight about doesn’t matter. Instead it’s…how they react to and resolve conflict.” She writes about a study done in Framingham, Massachusets. 4000 men and women were asked a series of questions about how they fight with their partner. The study covered ten years. One fascinating finding was that women who didn’t fight, who tried to avoid conflict, who preferred “fight free” relationships, were four times more likely to die during the study than women who were comfortable with conflict. This effect, interestingly enough, was not present for men.

Further studies, done at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Washington, have found that this tendency to avoid conflict and quarrels can lead to “numerous psychological and physical health risks, including depression, eating disorders and heart disease.” hese studies also looked at why men and women fight with each other. The top reasons listed by women were children and housework, with money a close third. For men, however, the most commonly listed reason was sex, with money and leisure tied for a distant second.

But no matter what the reason for the conflict, the crucial thing in terms of a healthy life and a healthy relationship was not whether fights happened, but how they were handled. It seems that working on fighting well, rather than working on not fighting, is the key to a healthy relationship.

Here, according to Lawrence Mitchell, are some pointers for men on how to fight fairly with their partners:

Address only the issue at hand. Never bring up issues that have nothing to do with the argument at hand, lest you bring up more issues that can possibly be settled in one battle. Never rehash past offenses, never deliver personal jabs against your partner for lack of any substantial counter-argument. Do not fight dirty by throwing soiled laundry—those which may have been divulged to you by your partner during her vulnerable moments—into the bargaining table. Keep on track at all times.

Avoid the blame game. As a man, it may feel good to win the battle and come out on top. But what appears as a victory may be a bad loss in the long run when you factor in your partner’s resentment and lack of goodwill toward you. The objective is not to break her spirit and make her admit she is wrong. It is to iron out differences and come up with a compromise. So take your wagging finger out of her face. Remember, this is someone you love. She is not the enemy.

Discuss and fight like an adult. This should not be a verbal brawl. It should fall into the domain of impassioned debate while maintaining as much courtesy as possible. Keep that temper in check at all times. Avoid exaggerated body language. No shouting. No banging of fists on the table. No slamming of doors. No name calling. No swear words. The more civilized you are, the more open she will be to whatever you have to say. Calm down and take deep breaths.

Take a break. Once the fight degenerates into personal attacks, maybe even physical confrontation, you can never go back to erase the harm. Before the argument explodes walk away and cool off.

Go to bed on common ground. I don’t believe in the axiom, “Never go to bed angry.” It is not realistic advice. The most you can do is stop for the moment and get together the next day to discuss the problem in a civil manner.

The bottom line is to realize that men fight in a totally different manner than women. Their logical, competitive nature must not be allowed to dominate relationship conflicts. Neither must they cower nor repress their rage. They must, instead, muster enough restraint to remain open, respectful, compassionate, and communicative. It helps to remember that indifference and not anger or even wrath is the real enemy in a relationship. The day one partner stops caring about the outcome of a fight, is the day the relationship is over.