I was at a dinner a few weeks before coming home when a good friend sidled up to me and brought up the issue of mothering young adults--twenty somethings.
"This business of their relationships, you know, it tortures me," she said and I listened intently. "I really am clueless about how to deal with it. Their boyfriends and girlfriends come to the house, hang out there, which I like because I would rather have them at home than anywhere else. But no matter how many times I impose the no-boyfriends-in-the-bedrooms rule, they end up there anyway. I wasn't born yesterday; I know what happens in there. But birth control is something we never discuss at home. I don't know why...we just don't."
I picked it up from there. I asked, "Why, is it because you think bringing it up might be misconstrued as permissiveness, as a gesture that shows you condone the behavior."
"Exactly," she answered. "So we just don't discuss it."
I let her ramble on the whole night, listening closely to her very real concerns and commiserating but opting not to say anything. Mothering is an extremely personal thing; what works for one may not work for the other. I admit, I didn't want to be held accountable...
Raising Maverick and Kitty, now 24 and 22, is never a walk in the park. It is more like a soldier's tour of duty in war-ravaged areas. Their generation is plagued by much more vicious threats: readily available recreational drugs, free flowing alcohol--sobriety issues; relaxed if not absence of rules on dating and coupling; relaxed gender rules; muddled sexual orientations and preferences; full disclosure of personal life on the Internet via Face Book and the like; rampant eating disorders; clinical depression and a host of other psychological disorders--things we grew up without and are ill-equipped to handle.
I have faced each and every single one of the issues I've listed as a mother and continue to face them. How? Sadly, there is no formula. Have I failed? Yes, many times over, I have failed the girls by not being exactly what they need or saying or doing exactly what is essential at the very moment they need it. But I get up instantly after each fall and soldier on. Have they failed me? Never. Because in my mind, they are only as equipped as I have armed them; only as good as I have mothered them.
When they came of age, I discussed the issue of sexuality in depth with them and have helped them gain access to gynecologists and birth control. Many are scandalized by how a good Catholic can do such things. I take my faith seriously but I never let it come between my most important job here on earth, which is raising happy, well-adjusted adults. We are parenting our children in post-modern times; we can't employ methods of the past millennium. We have all heard of extremist Catholic schooled girls who grow bellies and eject babies on the first year they step into the real world. I can't risk that. I can't delude myself into thinking my children are nuns and problem free. We are all problem plagued but we tackle it the best way we know. So I get into the frey and offer support where I can and resistance when I must. All we really have is affection that is unconditional--the fierce love that we hope will sustain us throughout.
Before the evening was over that friend also asked if I preferred to know the goings-on in my children's relationships. I simply smiled at her, dodging the question entirely. Now, I think I'm ready to answer it, if this may be considered an answer at all. I'd rather not be privy to their private lives. Fights, arguments, squabbles--these are things better kept from parents because even after children had forgiven their partners already, parents retain the memory, which ultimately affects their view of the children's partners. Personally, I would rather not know. However, I'd rather the child come to me than to someone else ill-equipped to give advice. So, again, we have a major dilemma. What would you do?
2 comments:
Your description of raising young adults is one of the best I've heard/read. This time of life (for me it's fiftyfied) is proving to be more challenging than I anticipated. although what was it that I was anticipating? Not so sure. I continually attempt to be respectful of their individual processes, which varies widely from child to child. Personally it helps to remember to listen with the intent to understand, not with the intent to respond--and not that I'm always successful in doing so.
Dear Mary O'
Thank you for your kind words but your wisdom surpasses everything I wrote. You said, "It helps to remember to listen with the intent to understand, not with the intent to respond..." This is worth its weight in gold. This is a gift to all parents. Thank you, Mary.
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