Fighting Fair

Is there really such a thing as a fair fight? Isn’t the objective of fighting gaining ascendancy over someone else? I think there is; in relationships at least, where the motive isn’t to annihilate the other but to settle issues and differences. Unless, of course, that, is precisely the point—to destroy and ravage the other and eventually break up, in which case, go ahead and unleash your weapons of mass destruction.

I’m talking more of non-violent domestic disputes between two parties in a relationship, which is an everyday thing for most of us. I’ve heard many couples brag about how ideal their relationships are because they never, ever, fight to which Relationship Expert, Lawrence Mitchell, says, “Give me a break. You never, ever fight? Well, do you ever have sex? Because other than sex, no act is more natural.”

Fighting may be unpleasant. The alternative, however—to suppress personal expression until one is blue in the face—could actually be unhealthy. When done right, a fight can be productive and even helpful in a relationship. I think the true measure of a relationship is how you fight. Not whether you fight, but how you fight.

Mitchell adds, “It is with shame that I make a most painful admission: men are inferior when it comes to conflict resolution. We are. Admit it. Whether in an argument, a mild disagreement, or a fight, we need a lesson on how to make it work with our significant other.” Mitchell says that the problem with men is that they see life in terms of competition because of their logical nature. He says, “We process in such a rational, logical fashion that we tend to alienate our partner. Sure, we make our point and may even ‘win’ the argument. But what do we gain in the long run?” He explains further that men feel the compulsion to triumph over their partner with every possible argument. He cautions men with, “Relationship conflict is not a contact sport. There is no real victor in the end. As soon as that is clear, you can begin to fight the right way.”

I partly disagree with Mitchell because I believe that women can be more cunning than men in the face-off arena. True, men can be more methodical, more logical in argumentation, which is precisely the problem because women fight from a different perspective—that of emotions. Whenever a specific issue is brought out on the bargaining table, men tend to attack it as they would a logistical problem; women address it in terms of how it affects them emotionally. Women use tears, engage the services of allies to spy on the beloved—what he has to stay, what he’s up to; snoop inside their drawers, check on their emails and cell phones; and go through their wallets, which often earn them a deadlock, at the very least.

So we’re basically talking apples and oranges here, which means that no matter how long couples take in threshing out their dirty laundry , they probably won’t arrive at a resolution without some collateral damage. Often times, it is sheer frustration over the spin cycle-like movement of arguments that provoke couples to draw out their weapons: blame; character assassination; swear words; dramatic walk-outs; or the most desperate of all battle strategies—violence.

My nephew, Michael Plotteck, a German Korean raised in London, tells of how puzzling it is that Filipinas always raise their voices when they argue. “They can’t really discuss things in a normal tone of voice; they feel the need to shout at all times. I wonder why that is?” What a keen observation that was, I thought. We are, indeed, a bunch of shouting, angry females. So I said to him that it is most likely cultural, that if you tell a Filipina to keep her voice down when she is angry and then proceed to fight fairly, she will keel over and die. Without that raised voice she is incapable of putting up a good fight; normal decibel levels is her kryptonite. Just look at our local movies, TV drama shows, and telenovelas. Every angry woman has got to shout.

We can never be minimalist in this culture. We are truly Baroque; favoring the excessive and the dramatic in every aspect of our culture: in our fiestas and festivals; costumes; dances; décor; crafts such as wood carvings, weavings, embroidery, paper art; food and food presentation; etc—everything is flamboyant, colorful and over-the-top. Not that they are not exquisite or beautiful; they are, on the contrary, just not in that Japanese Zen, minimalist, elegance-in-simplicity kind of way. So even when we fight, we need all the attendant drama—the shouting, the tears, and the grand arm gestures.

Tara Parker Pope in an article at the New York Times Science Section writes, “How often couples fight or what they fight about doesn’t matter. Instead it’s…how they react to and resolve conflict.” She writes about a study done in Framingham, Massachusets. 4000 men and women were asked a series of questions about how they fight with their partner. The study covered ten years. One fascinating finding was that women who didn’t fight, who tried to avoid conflict, who preferred “fight free” relationships, were four times more likely to die during the study than women who were comfortable with conflict. This effect, interestingly enough, was not present for men.

Further studies, done at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Washington, have found that this tendency to avoid conflict and quarrels can lead to “numerous psychological and physical health risks, including depression, eating disorders and heart disease.” hese studies also looked at why men and women fight with each other. The top reasons listed by women were children and housework, with money a close third. For men, however, the most commonly listed reason was sex, with money and leisure tied for a distant second.

But no matter what the reason for the conflict, the crucial thing in terms of a healthy life and a healthy relationship was not whether fights happened, but how they were handled. It seems that working on fighting well, rather than working on not fighting, is the key to a healthy relationship.

Here, according to Lawrence Mitchell, are some pointers for men on how to fight fairly with their partners:

Address only the issue at hand. Never bring up issues that have nothing to do with the argument at hand, lest you bring up more issues that can possibly be settled in one battle. Never rehash past offenses, never deliver personal jabs against your partner for lack of any substantial counter-argument. Do not fight dirty by throwing soiled laundry—those which may have been divulged to you by your partner during her vulnerable moments—into the bargaining table. Keep on track at all times.

Avoid the blame game. As a man, it may feel good to win the battle and come out on top. But what appears as a victory may be a bad loss in the long run when you factor in your partner’s resentment and lack of goodwill toward you. The objective is not to break her spirit and make her admit she is wrong. It is to iron out differences and come up with a compromise. So take your wagging finger out of her face. Remember, this is someone you love. She is not the enemy.

Discuss and fight like an adult. This should not be a verbal brawl. It should fall into the domain of impassioned debate while maintaining as much courtesy as possible. Keep that temper in check at all times. Avoid exaggerated body language. No shouting. No banging of fists on the table. No slamming of doors. No name calling. No swear words. The more civilized you are, the more open she will be to whatever you have to say. Calm down and take deep breaths.

Take a break. Once the fight degenerates into personal attacks, maybe even physical confrontation, you can never go back to erase the harm. Before the argument explodes walk away and cool off.

Go to bed on common ground. I don’t believe in the axiom, “Never go to bed angry.” It is not realistic advice. The most you can do is stop for the moment and get together the next day to discuss the problem in a civil manner.

The bottom line is to realize that men fight in a totally different manner than women. Their logical, competitive nature must not be allowed to dominate relationship conflicts. Neither must they cower nor repress their rage. They must, instead, muster enough restraint to remain open, respectful, compassionate, and communicative. It helps to remember that indifference and not anger or even wrath is the real enemy in a relationship. The day one partner stops caring about the outcome of a fight, is the day the relationship is over.